Things started falling apart when she started falling in love with me.
I hate typing that, or thinking that. I hate that maybe I just played things up, that I over-exaggerated her feelings for me. But I honestly think that she did feel that way, or at she least thought she did.
The thing is, I thought about this nonstop. Unending. I thought about this more than I even realized. I rationalized. I lied to myself. I think, probably, I liked her a bit too. But mostly, I liked our friendship more, and I liked living a normal life where I didn't have to examine my sexuality.
The thing is, I'm not sure what I am. I'm not sexually attracted to women. I am to men. But I do find myself flirting with women and men alike. I think I could love a woman; but I just don't care to try. I don't want to put a label on it, even though labels make things convenient. She's bisexual, she says. I've never thought of anything but marrying a guy.
So the thing is, I could've given in -- I liked her enough and wanted her happy enough that I could have, but it all came down to friendship and fear. Because no matter what happens, my family is probably not ever going to accept me thinking it's okay if I love a woman, much less actually doing it. They might still love me, but they wouldn't accept it. And I wasn't willing to risk starting a downward process for her.
I know, I know. Shut up.
So the thing is, we moved past it. A text sent asking me to stop toying around with her and I flat out said she should stop waiting, and we moved past it. It was hard, but we did it. We made plans for college. We were sharing a room. We had a lot of the same classes. We were making plans for a future apartment. We had named our kittens.
She bails on me and I see her once more, at Christmas, before she moves away to Texas.
A lot of this is my fault. In fact, probably most of this is my fault. I pushed her away so hard when I went to school alone that it was a little ridiculous, in retrospect. But it hurts to be lied to like that. It hurts when you go out of your way to be with someone (I had an offer much closer that I would've taken if it hadn't been for her) and they don't come through. This happened a lot with her. And this was a huge step for me. This was the biggest step for me. I needed her there and suddenly she wasn't, and I was in a sea of strangers, six hours away from my family and friends.
So yeah, I was mad and I told her she needed to leave me alone until I could stand to talk to her again. It was almost October before I really started talking again to her. Things were strained. Of course they were. But in my heart, I believed that we were still friends. She talked about coming the next semester.
That was a lie too.
(So was coming this last fall, as I would find out later.)
So yeah, we stopped seeing each other. She got me a bear that wouldn't stop fucking singing during the middle of the night. I got her a necklace with a star on it. Christmas was over. We haven't seen each other since, and we will never see each other again.
She moved to Texas.
I found out about it much later than I should have.
The thing is, we were best friends. Best friends. We had a bond so close it was almost creepy. We loved the same things, the same people, the same music. We were two people with one soul. We were everything to each other. And now I get a few Facebook notices saying she's liked something, or put my face on an elf. I don't understand how this can have happened.
I have struggled and tried and hoped for her to talk to me again, and nothing happens. I don't know what I can do.
(Okay, I know -- I could call, or go see her. But I am afraid, and I don't -- I don't honestly much care for her parents, just knowing things that I know about them.)
I want to be there for her constantly. I wanted to be there when her fiance cheated on her, and I maybe wanted to say I TOLD YOU SO as well even if I didn't say so out loud. I wanted to be there when she cried, and when she found out about moving, and when she talks about her brother.
I just need friends who aren't miles away, really. I have friends now but they are nothing compared to her. We were endgame. We were people who should have stayed together forever, having kids who treated each other as cousins and ourselves as aunts. We should've tried harder. I don't know if I can ever put myself out there again like that.
(Sometimes I pretend she'll come to school and surprise me. I'll be walking and see someone with her hair color and it's Her and I search desperately for her face and it's not her and I feel stupid. I feel lonely and dumb and crazy.)
I know this might sound like love to some of you. I'm not in love with her, I promise. This isn't that kind of post. But our friendship? It meant so much to me I was willing to leave everything I knew if it meant we were there together. It's love, but of a different kind.
I cannot comprehend never again seeing her, but that's what life has decided for me.
But I miss you, Valerie, and I think I always will.
I love you,
Meagan
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