whenever i come, i curse. it's always the same -- "shit." and then, "shi-it, shitshitshitshitshit," and after about five seconds of that i blend into "fuckfuckshitfuckshiiiiit--" and then i tremble in aftershocks and breathe heavily until i either tentatively touch myself again or draw my hand out of my pants.

i've been obsessed with orgasming lately. when i hit eighteen, the summer before college, i fell into my sex drive like it had been waiting for me, revved and unable to stop itself. i was turned on all the time. for the second semester of my college experience, i could barely stand going to class because i was so aware of my skin and the way my pants rubbed at my legs. it was horribly amazing whenever i was close to my period.

on average, i come about four times a day. the only times i don't are the days where i'm too tired to bother, or when i have people with me and i'm unable. it's become a lovely routine that i fall into -- lay back, unbutton my fly, and just exist for a moment. i am as human as the next person, and i feel things like anyone else.

my first orgasm sticks with me -- it was late, late at night. i was in bed at home in memphis, and it was almost two in the morning, and i was listening to the runaways soundtrack, and i touched myself because i had to, even though i had no idea what i would end up with. fire was in my fingertips and my cheeks were burning and i was breathing so quietly it was choking me. and when i came, i was so surprised by it that i didn't even know that it was happening. i tried again, frantically, and came a second time, but i couldn't do a third. elated and confused and still helplessly turned on, i fell asleep.

that first time, the only thing that happened was a gentle pull and release, a spilling of electricity on my nerves but i was relatively still. this second year at school, my orgasms have evolved into full body spasms, and i've actually cracked my head against our concrete walls more than once, and the best part is that i feel so good that it never hurts. it's so incredibly amazing to have your body twisting to get out of its own grasp, back arching and body flexing and head flying into the air; it's best on the second one, when i'm still a bit weak and gasping and it takes half the time to get back up and i hold back at first, just teetering on the edge before i accidentally knock myself over, and that's why i curse -- because i'm never ready for it, because the build up is the best part, and because laying in the aftermath, all i want is to be back up on top again, instead of gasping for air at the bottom.